Sauna Etiquette 101

On a cold and damp spring morning, a dry heat sauna is a hobo's haven. It is a place he can seek refuge and warmth; a place where the blood may be brought back to his extremities.

But the one thing about a sauna is that it's small. Quite small. Enough for maybe two Americans--maybe four Europeans. Of course, one could fit a dozen or so hard-scrabble hobos into it, once their many layers of clothes are shed--sorta like a clown car. In fact, it's probably no accident that our early clowns have been hobos, too. They're practically cousins.

Photo by Tyler Sample

But a hobo likes his space. That's half the point of being a hobo.

The sauna is all wood inside, which probably sounds like some perverted innuendo to a certain number of you dirty-minded readers. Well, it's constructed of wood, anyway. And it's at least thirty years old. So there's been a fair amount of sweat, oil, and god knows what else stained into the seats and walls.

TIP #1

Even a dirty hobo like myself knows better than to bake himself in the sauna without an effective barrier between my skin and the tarnished bench. After all, it is like an oven in there. And the last thing you want is to get your skin baked onto that dark spot of mystery matter. If you don't have or can't get a non-stick Teflon baking sheet, then I guess a towel will do.

TIP #2

A sauna is a clothes-optional place. For the hobo, any chance to shed the many and sundry layers of crud-ridden clothes is a chance not to be missed. That being said, however, there is still a modicum of modesty which ought to be adhered to. This tip can be expanded to the locker room at large.

A fine balance must be struck. On the one hand, one does not want to seem ashamed. On the other hand, one does not want to seem too proud.

It is ok to admire the ancient Greeks' attitudes toward the male figure. But it is also important to remember that one is not in an ancient Grecian bath house.

Hence....

TIP #3

Under no circumstances, while at a YMCA, should you--upon spying a handsome young hobo sitting alone in the sauna--and naked--wander in after you've already had your shower. And after wandering in, you should at least wander the whole way in--not stop in the doorway and ogle the prone and defenseless naked creature. Then, for goodness sakes, after you've sprawled your nakedness across the bench and into his private space, after he has clearly and unambiguously grunted in response to your "good mornings and hellos", you should not spread your legs in any way which might be construed as a beckoning fashion. He will not be your love toy. No thank you.


Furthermore, at no time, and in no way, unless you have already been ogled, spoken to, caressed, fondled, patted on the buttocks, fellated, or at the very least, made eye contact with this--or any--hobo, should you say with a creepy laugh and nervous anxiousness "...So...heh-heh...Do you...heh...come here often?...heh-heh...", followed soon after with "...do you like to come in the sauna before or after you work out?...heh-heh..."

And after you've done these things, and I've left in discomfort to shower the scuzz and filth from my virgin spirit, and to escape your constant gazing on my glistening loins--after I've done this and you've done that, you should at least stay in the sauna for a sufficient amount of time to give the appearance that you weren't just in there to ogle me.

Incidentally, this is a purely hypothetical scenario, made only to illustrate TIP #3.